Sweet Misery

So, I’m making an appearance at work, just to keep the higher powers happy. But I’m so not feeling it that I might not show up on Wednesday like I planned. My brain really has just shut down on work.

Went to Agbara this weekend. First time in 3 weeks. It was after Day 2 of a fruitless exploit at the NYSC secetariat on Friday. I gave up at 12.30, after being there for 5 hours with no result in sight. By Saturday, I woke up at 10, only cos D called, and I was miserable the rest of the weekend.

I really don’t know how to explain the depression’s that captured me this past week. And going to agbara, where I couldn’t really go out and get my mind of things was a BIG mistake. I practically DROWNED in my inexplicable misery. I tried designing my new template (which I’ve already started BTW, looks great), but Nepa kept taking light, and cos my desktop is just so retarded, it hung every time the light went.

I didn’t have credit, so no-one to bother. And when I thought about it, there was no-one I really wanted to share that depression with. Saturday night, after a midnight call to an old pal, I stayed up for like an hour, nearly tearing my hair out in agitation. I just wanted to come out of my body, be someone, somewhere else, not thinking or feeling what I was feeling.

Why was I so upset? I don’t know. I wish I had something to blame it on, like hormones, or something, but I know it’s not. It’s just the result of a maddening revelation (sorry for the large words, but it’s how i express) that came to me on Monday. The weekend was punctuated by a haunting loneliness that not even communicating with a few of my friends could cure. In fact, talking to them just made me feel worse.

Because here I am, with this odd problem, and I can’t tell anyone about it cos they won’t understand. I guess my secrets will be the death of me. And God knows I have many. Many I will (hopefully) carry to my grave.

I think I need to get out of this office, go out, and try and get over it. Cos the more time I have to myself, the closer I think I will be to a psychological breakdown.