A Much Needed Update

So it’s been a bit. The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind, punctuated by deadlines, headaches, falling ill, crappy Vals and WORK. So, all the urgent work FINALLY done, I think it’s time for a bit of an update.

As predicted, I didn’t do much on Vals worth mentioning. I did however, do some marathon walking. Because, yes, as much as I didn’t see the need to do anything, Darkman felt so, and apparently, so did every other person in LAGOS. After work, I could neither find a bike or a cab, the traffic was B**** and I had to walk… well, let’s just say I walked for almost an hour in VI, in heat, in suit, in VERY FOUL MOOD. We met up at City Mall, and I was sourly and I showed it. There were walking clichés every where, from all the redness to all the balloons and flowers and crap, and the fact that I had probably lost 5 pounds walking in that late night heat.

In a nutshell, it kinda sucked. We left 30 minutes later, exchanged gifts and I went home to sleep.

I hate Valentine’s Day.

Last week I went through a period of physical disillusionment where I felt I looked like crap, and the feeling hung about till like Wednesday when I had a chat with Bus and we exchanged laments, and she did that friend thing where she told me just how well I DID look, and how I carried myself, and the likes, and I felt better.

The weekend was cool, Kitty and I, in the absence of the ultimate party starter, Bus, decided to go get our hair done. It doesn’t fail to fascinate me how I have bus’d to pretty much every corner of Lagos within the past 3 or so years, and now that I have a car, I can’t do without getting lost. For every new route I take, I have to go through at least 5 extra minutes of fuel burning and head scratching before I get to where I’m going.

We were going to Surulere, right? I said, let’s go to Make-Me Salon, right? And Kitty was like, yeah, sure. At first we try getting detailed directions from her friend cos after Ojuelegba bus stop I pretty much couldn’t remember jack. He tries, but it’s too much of ‘climb the first bridge, then the second, don’t climb the third, go left…’ so we decided to rough it.

All was going well, we got past Ojuelegba, got past National Stadium, then got to a roundabout… then I got confused again. Do I go straight, or go round? We decided to stop and ask.

Let me digress for a moment. I have a few simple rules when I’m driving and you’re sitting in the passenger seat:

  1. Don’t be a backseat driver. I’m not blind. I’m not stupid. Telling me to slow down, or speed up, or trafficate mere seconds before I’m about to do so is annoying. I KNOW.
  2. Don’t be an alarmist. Randomly yelling, ‘LOOK OUT!’ or ‘DON’T FORGET THE TURNING!’ is extremely irritating, and if said at the wrong time, will get us both killed.
  3. Touch my steering wheel and DIE.

Unfortunately, Kitty failed the second one. As we slowed down to ask for directions, some mallam suddenly attaches himself to her window, and stares in creepily. I was like, WTF, and then a couple more appear on both sides. Then a couple more. Kitty started freaking out and said I should ‘GO! What are you waiting for? Go!’

I admit, that in the heat of the moment, I didn’t reason out the events properly. So, I picked up the panic and stepped on the accelerator action movie style. And action movie style, the first mallam hung on to the car for like 30 feet, and we freaked out even more. It was like, what does he want? Why won’t he go away? How is he still hanging on to the car? We eventually lose him, and breathe a sigh of relief. It turns out they just thought we wanted to change money. But did they have to act like hungry hyenas???? As a result of my Gone in 60 Seconds remake, we’d succeeded in going the wrong way. We drove, and drove, trying to find a familiar street.

Asking Lagosians for directions is POINTLESS. We asked 2 different people, and they told us two different things. After a looong time, I said, ‘I feel like I’m at Yaba’. And lo and behold, we found ourselves back at… Ojuelegba. We’d driven around in a circle. I was irritated. I asked for directions again, and as I tried to move, the car decided to die. I gave that car every insult I could think of, cos I was in the middle of the road. It starts again, after much ado, FINALLY, we get to Adeniran Ogunsanya… And can’t find make-me. Pissed, we decided to hit downtown instead. Kitty wasn’t impressed with the way her hair was done, but mine seems to have turned out to be a hit.

We ended the night with too much food and white wine. Yeah, it sounds a whole better than it was. And white wine really doesn’t taste that good. It was a gift, and I didn’t want to try it alone, that just sounds sad and alcoholic-ish. So, we spent 10 minutes looking for a corkscrew or something like it, before seriously contemplating just breaking the top part of like we did once in school. We just couldn’t find a good surface. Kitty had a moment of genius and just pushed the cork into the bottle. For something we didn’t like, we drank quite a bit, getting almost halfway. Unfortunately the drink triggered off Kitty’s ulcer later in the night. Ooops.

Before I sign out, a little blog-surfing for you. Heard about this stupid Indecent Dressing bill a while back from my mum (who was equally unimpressed by the foolish Sentor’s misplaced priorites) but I kinda forgot it again until I saw Bellanaija, Funmi Iyanda and Naijablog’s posts on it this afternoon. I don’t have to say much, they’ve all said it for me. Let me just say I started off this week not thinking too highly of men in general, and then to see a fellow female making that ignorant, stupid insinuation that a chick in a skirt is responsible for being sexually harassed by some pervert SICKENS me. I’m irritated that this bill hasn’t been squashed already.

Peace y’all, I got work to do.


9 thoughts on “A Much Needed Update

  1. SO….i got here first and i should probably win a medal or sumthing. Back to your post, such occurencies make Lagos what it is…savour the moments (even though they are mostly frustrating) cos’ u won’t get the experience from anywhere else in d world…| ANyone wanna argue?

  2. Dont worry babe.
    Soon you’ll master the roads.I used to be like dat too…never could find my way around but everytime i had to go somewhere new i got someone(who knew) to draw a sorta map for me, it really helps.

    Glad your health is better now.

  3. Pushing the cork into the bottle? LOL! It sounds like quite an adventure driving in lagos esp if u don’t know where u are going. I don’t think i ever want to go thru that esp since u can’t find someone to give u correct directions.

  4. Yay, finally, the much awaited update. I couldn’t be happier. Girl, what a hectic few weeks. I’m glad it’s over at least for a bit and we can ‘see’ more of you.

    I could never live in Lagos, I just hate, hate the place. Unfortunately my Abuja is becoming…. God forbid. Scratch that.

    @the indecent dressing thingy, it is one of the most ‘stupidest’ things I’ve ever heard and to think it was started by a woman! Lord have mercy.

    Just glad to have you back.

  5. wow it sounds like u’ve had some pretty nasty experiences with your car.It’s always like that at first you will get used to it with time.As for the senseless indescent dressing bill, only God will save our lawmakers.Rather than dealing with the real issues of the nation, they are busy carrying ou frivolous acts by even debating the bill in the first place.They all suck,even their female contemporaries are invoved arghhhhhhhh.

  6. The dressing thing cant be any worse than the police arresting girls scantily dressed chics in lag…as for driving in lag…..

    I still plan to learn when I come home…

  7. Reason to Live?:
    (1) MUSIC!
    (Junior Murvin / Lee Perry)
    smile* {blame it on the coffee again}

  8. @plastiq

    I dont know what to say to ur last comment, but ur first one… I could LIVE without those experiences, thanks very much!


    Slowly, weekend, by weekend, I’m mastering them… next on the list: Iyana-Ipaja!

    my dear… we were desperate. And driving in lagos IS an adventure. But as long as u dont piss anyone off, it usually turns into a funny story at the end!

    @naija chickito
    Lagos is alright, jo!!!! Or perhaps just say that cos i know nowhere else!

    @taoday’s ranting
    I agreee with u wholeheartedly

    And the streets and agberos of lagos awwait u patiently!

  9. Navigation systems dont work for naija? i know that sounds pretty ignorant but i know that naijans are balling and they should have upgraded to that level by now.
    And as for the back seat drivers, i totally agree.
    Mara o’fact, the whole back seat drivers issue just inspired a post in my mind now.

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